The never ending struggle

Every day is a struggle to LOVE you, to embellish the past a little: to ease the mistakes and extol the virtues. So many obstacles have been placed in our way, whether it was by me, you, or external forces...but for some odd and strange reason we overcame them. So many times I have found myself pushing you away, not wanting to explain to you why because I fear hearing the truth, I fear the possibility that you might be able to hurt me before I could run away and save myself from the feeling of having my heart shatter into innumerable peices. But I have fought with amazing persistence, fought for this reason, fought for our future to try to erase the painful memories of our past and restore the good ones. There have been so many times I've said prayers where I ask God for the strength to keep going. But somehow each time I have been bombarded with more questions, only then I begin to feel as if God cannot hear me, as if some force is trying to keep me away from answers.

If I must confess, the tears never stop flowing. I find myself wanting to get mad at you for being in love with you, when undoubtedly, you have done nothing wrong. I find myself going through a cycle of highs and lows of emotions. And while the days keep going and my heart keeps beating, I fear another day will go by and I'd get no where: I'd still be in the same place, with the same feelings, and the same questions. As selfish as it sounds sometimes I wish I could bring pain upon you so that for at least one second you'd understand the kind of pain I've surpassed and stuggled through.

But through all this, no matter what situation I face, one thing remains the same. That one thing is the love i feel for you. The truth is that is what scares me the most. The feeling of being with someone ovrewhlems me with fear. Throughout my whole life I've always been cautious with my heart. I remember I would always try to find some way to get away from caring too much - I didn't believe in forever, I would run away from my problems, and I'd keep purposely create a mind block towards the predicaments I could not handle.

However, even through the cautious up-bringing I have devoted my heart to, I couldn't stop myself from falling in love. And I fell in love with you. There was something about you that assured me that your love was real and that the love i was feeling was real. As i have said, You're not easy to forget. I cannot forget all the memories, all the tears we've shared together, the laughter, and even the moments of pain. The feelings and memories are the reasons why this love still blazes like it did when we first met. You are my reason.

The truth is that I love you. I love you more than I possibly love anyone in this lifetime or any other lifetime I may have. I feel like as if every breath i take was made for me to love you. I feel selfish in saying that I only need you and no one else in this god forsaken earth. I just don't want you anymore, I need you. I need you like my lungs need air, like the rivers need water, like the stars need the night sky. Sometimes, I'm so scared that it makes me feel emotions which drive me to do stupid things like bring about assumptions or even believe in the first thing I see that isn't true. I don't want to be that way...I just hate it. I hate it because I don't want to be unfair...not to you, not to me, or to anything. But i'm scared...I fear the word goodbye, because I never want to say goodbye. I'm just afraid to lose you. And I sit here knowing that even if we ever had to say goodbye, you'd be able to move on...but in my heart I know I can't. Because I've always believed you were...and are the one.

But I have realized, that it doesn't matter how much it hurts to be scared, I know I can fight my fears. No matter how much struggles come our way I will always believe in us. And for our love, I will never stop trying. I promise.

I love you.

And nothing says its better than that.