After 3 nights ago, I had tried to figure out why I found myself breaking down, as if everything happened so fast. As scary as surviving a near death experience has been, I didn't feel lucky to be alive at all. I sat there in the hospital asking myself over and over again why these feelings had come over me. As abrupt as it sounds, I finally looked back at the past year and opened my eyes finally seeing the truth. I've struggled so much this year, desperately trying to find a sense of peace that I know i can no longer find.
There are days like this when emotions are so out of place. I look out my window trying to figure out what keeps going wrong. I used to love summer...I'd look forward with anticipation on the warm relaxing days...but now I don't even want to live through with it. I finally realized that every aspect of life is different for everyone; no matter how hard you try or how much you keep holding on, things aren't always going to work out. No matter how much effort, tears, pain you endure... sometimes your efforts are only to be a lost cause. And sure, they all say that in time all pain heals, but in this day in age none of us have anytime to let it all sink in...to let something so important fade away. We hold on to some kind of fear...because we become so attached.
I think thats the worse kind of pain any person must endure. To believe in something with your whole heart and soul only to find its not even real. But nonetheless, You still keep doing all you can. I kept making all the sacrifices even when it meant that it hurts me, but no, in the end i'm still in the same place. So I lay there with this feeling of redemption, knowing that the very dream that I once had is nothing but a shattered peice of worthlessness. All the words become empty, my whole being is filled with hopelessness and broken promises. And the worse part is the memories. Its not moving forward thats hard, its what we leave behind that hurts the most.
There were nights when I asked God why does this have to happen to me. I'd always come with an empty reply, with no guidence on what to do...no strength or courage. So many prayers I've recited asking for the help to make it through the day, but in the end of the day I'd find myself breaking down. And in the end of the night all I have left to say is "I tried so hard, I did everything I could...Why God, why are u doing this to me?"
It hasn't been easy at all. It been a lot of frusteration, sadness, and pain. I'm tired of going over and over these emotions, so tired of trying for something that only hurts me more than makes me happy. I've tried with every ounce of my stregnth. I'm exhausted from keeping it all inside, crying myself to sleep, wanting some sort of answer knowing I'm not going to get it. You make me tried of trying, tired of breathing and even tired of living. I find myself denying everything, going through a cycle of emotions of highs and lows for something that means absolutely nothing to you. I'm tired of making every blog about you, about how i miss that summer love we had 2 years ago, about wishing I'd find you, and even about how much I care for you. And all this time you have no idea how much you hurt me and how much pain you have put me through this past year. If only I can explain all of it, to finally get it all out of my system, but I have realized i'm in the lose-lose situation where I'm the one who's just going to get hurt in the end.
I find myself doing things I shouldn't do, being someone I'm not, and being all shady... as if all of it was a form of punishment to myself for being in this situation. I've blamed myself for all of the downfalls in this relationship when I now realize its not entirely my fault.
If your purpose was to make me feel as messed up as this, well, mission accomplished. You've done it. You've made me feel as worthless as ever you've made me feel empty and incredibly sad. You've made me feel as if it was a cut so deep, that it went right through my body. You've cause me as much misery as your anger against me has desired, and made my life a complete hell. Congrats.
And as farfetched as it sounds my heart is still pounding, its still beats for you. I still want to be with you, and I still love you with every bit of me. I'd still sacrifice for you, cry for you, and attempt the impossible for you. You'll just never understand the extent to how much I love you, how much I've done...and I guess you'll just never know.
I did not write this to make you angry, I did not write this to make everything worse, and I did not write it as a form of a break-up statement. I wrote it because its what I feel, its what I've been keeping in for the past year. And from all this time I haven't even looked at another person but you, I haven't even thought of another but you, and i haven't loved anyone more than I have loved you. and yes, i've hurt you...but you know everything you do and feel is exactly what I'm going through. All the anger, the frusteration, the busy life...I know. And I know none of these feelings are supposed to be like this...but it is. And if only for once you walked in my shoes, you'll finally see why i'm like this...because I believed in you, and I always have. Theres so much I want to say...
And all this time you keep telling me that the pain you cause me is not intentional. You keep telling me that you haven't done shit... but i now realized thats the problem. You haven't done shit for this relationship for the past year, and as you keep slowly cutting our communication, I've nothing left to say but this
I've tried, and theres nothing more I can do.
Just please, tell me where i stand, tell me if this is real...if the feelings i feel are as real as yours. Because if its not then please don't fool me anymore. I just want to fix this, to make it all better because I love you and we've been thru so much that i know we can make everything okay.
So as I linger on these thoughts until the next time we talk, I will hope I can make it through another day.
I guess in that car accident I really did die.
A part of me died.
And it was my heart.
*sigh*
...you've always told me that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work.
so please,
help me.
